Sharon R

DISCOVERING JUDAISM

As I stand in my tiny kitchen juggling 75 matzo balls in various stages of preparation, I smile and think how very far I've come in these past dozen years. In the early sixties, I didn't even know what a matzo ball was, didn't know much about the Jewish people or Judaism, and didn't see religion as an answer to the many questions in my mind. Now, in 1976, as I prepare for Seder, I realize that I derive a great deal of my identity and understanding of life from having become a Jew. How did all this come to be?

My first dissatisfaction with my childhood religion came in college. As happens to many students in their first exposure to comparative religion and philosophy, I began to question things I had thought I believed. I read a little about Judaism at this time, but was only superficially interested. I was in a phase of actively rejecting organized religion, and wasn't interested in exchanging one belief system for another.

Active in civil rights, I was impressed with the disproportionate number of Jewish people in the movement, although I didn't try to find out what factors in their heritage might have led them to social activism. I didn't think I had time for heritage or tradition, or for finding out about a religion to take the place of the one in which I no longer felt comfortable.

When I graduated and began a career in social service, I continued to find many Jewish people among my colleagues. Only gradually did I begin to realize why they were such social activists. As members of the world's longest-suffering minority, Jews knew as only they could that the world would have to change, to become more just and open for all people if Jews themselves were to live in a world safe for cultural, religious, and individual diversity. But what really impressed me was when I learned that the religious teachings of Judaism emphasized improvement of this world in contrast to preparation for the next. For I was finding that I did need religion after all. The universe was too complicated to try to go it alone.

I probably would have embraced Judaism eventually anyway, for that was the direction my moral and intellectual development were heading, but in the winter of 1967, a person appeared in my life who helped lead me to Judaism sooner than I might have come otherwise. I met a man whose beliefs, goals, and values were strikingly similar to mine. We fell in love, and it turned out he was Jewish.

He never pressured me; he's not the type. Although some of his family didn't approve of his new "shiksa" girlfriend, he stood by me, and let me take my own time to discover his heritage.

It was I who made the decision to take classes at the Union of American Hebrew Congregations center. I still had not committed myself to conversion, but just wanted to find out more.

We were asked to come to the classes together. The reasoning was that the person contemplating conversion would be frightened and nervous, and that sharing the experience with the spouse or fiancé would help make the learning and transition smoother.

In the meantime, Jewish or not, I had been welcomed to my fiancé's family. I went to my first Passover Seder, and was stirred by the tribute to human freedom, which was so integral a part of this religious celebration and touched by the warmth and humor of the family members. I was honored to be included. That was eight Seders ago, and each Seder has continued to move me as the first. It was a highlight of that year for me, and it has been a highlight of every year since.

As our months of study progressed, I was amazed at how much of what I had been looking for was espoused by Reform Judaism. Here was a religion that rejoiced in man's partnership with God, pursuing a tradition of questioning in matters of interpretation and belief. Reform Judaism respected my personal search for understanding and did not demand blind faith. It incorporated convictions about the rights of minorities and the need to fight injustice. Suffering here on earth could be alleviated with human effort, and was not the inevitable byproduct- of "original sin" or the price of one's reward in "heaven." Life and man were considered to be basically good, and the traditions of Judaism offered a feeling of belonging in a world of change and uncertainty.

On March 1, 1969, 1 converted to Judaism in a beautiful Reform ceremony. My husband and I were married on June 1, 1969, by the same warm, welcoming, wonderful rabbi who had taught our classes and converted me. My parents supported my decision, as did everyone with whom I came in contact. I have never met another Jew who did not accept me as fully Jewish, despite the old tale about "once a shiksa, always a shiksa." In fact, many people have mistaken me for the "natural Jew" and my blond, Nordic-looking husband as the convert! It's always a good joke.

Over the years since my conversion, the character of my involvement with Judaism has evolved and deepened. At first, everything was so new to me that I wanted to absorb as much as possible. Living in the same city with our large family helped. I learned to rattle off Yiddish slang words, and to make as many traditional dishes as our concern with cholesterol would allow. I read all the Jewish literature I could get my hands on. We went to Temple as often as possible, and tried to keep up with the holidays.

When we moved away from our family's home city, however, we found ourselves in situations where most of our friends were not Jews, and I often found myself explaining the "Jewish point of view" to people. I became more aware of myself as part of a minority. The great publicity surrounding Christmas and Easter, holidays I had enjoyed as a child, began to bother me, and I felt somewhat estranged from a culture that seemed to take for granted that everyone was the same. I set myself an assignment to check out material from the library on the historical ostracism of the Jewish people. This reading reinforced my interpretation of the sufferings of the Jews as symbolic of the problems all minorities must undergo. At the same time, it was gratifying to learn of so many contributors to world progress and peace who were Jews. I was proud that I could call myself their sister.

This sense of belonging has sustained my husband and me through many cross-country moves and foreign travels. In a Mexico City suburb, we attended synagogue services; our presence completed the minyan for the small group we found there! In the small Texas town where we are now living, there are other young couples who, like ourselves, are isolated from the opportunity for formal Jewish affiliation. We have formed a study group (a rabbi drives from Dallas once a month to assist us) and are trying to organize this small Jewish community. It is with these friends that we will celebrate Seder this year.

In our own home, we observe many of the holidays, and have our own Friday night Sabbath candle-lighting ritual. We are looking forward to raising a child in the traditions of Judaism, for we have just been approved for adoption by the Jewish Family Service agency in Dallas.

Judaism and being a Jew embrace so much of my personal identity. I have a culture and a people to whom I truly belong, and a religion I believe in and respect. Yet I am still a seeker. My real religious education began with questioning, and I was first attracted to Judaism because of the deeply rooted value of questioning in the Jewish tradition. The early rabbis were always haggling over interpretations; Tevye was always bargaining with God. If at times existentialism, Eastern philosophy, and astronomy and science imagery are integral to my perception of the creation, God will understand. If I read The Accident and am temporarily persuaded to agree with Elie Wiesel that God can't possibly exist at all, even that is permissible. I have never felt that Reform Judaism required me to accept any foreordained conception of what God is.

And yet I need a solid foundation to stand on as I search for understanding. Being a Jew gives me that foundation. I can be an individual, stretching my mind for new ideas, and at the same time be part of something greater than myself. That combination fulfills a deep need. I enjoy growing in my knowledge of Judaism and finding ways to combine that knowledge with wisdom I glean from other sources. It's an extremely personal kind of belief, and an exciting, alive kind of faith, and I feel very fortunate.

For now I know that it is possible in this modern world to be a rational, inquiring, logical person and to be religious too. As I prepare again for Seder, I am mindful of the many Jews before me who have made these same preparations, and of the deep symbolism of the entire Passover time. How lucky we are to celebrate this holiday with our fellow Jews! There will be 75 of us at Seder, and probably 75 different interpretations of what is going on. Yet we also have so much in common. These years that I've been discovering Judaism -- and discovering myself through being a Jew -- have been the best years of my life. And imagine! Now I even know what a matzo ball is!

Molly K

MY CONVERSION STORY

I was raised in a middle class, Irish-Italian Catholic family. I attended 12 years of parochial school and was forced to practice the Catholic religion as strictly and religiously as my parents did. Needless to say, at the age of 17 I left home and left my religion as well. To me religion was just another thing that my parents told me to do. But when you come from a strong religious background, you can't help but incorporate some of those feelings into your life and value system.

Many times during my life I tried to "get into" religion again. I went to non-denomin- ational services that were geared to the younger generation. But something always seemed to be missing - and somehow I still felt I should be religious because it was the "right thing to do." Never did I once feel it would add to a more joyous or enlightened life. But I always prayed to God when things were bad or sometimes I would blame Him for all my troubles. Intellectually I had some premise of a being called God and emotionally I felt God was responsible for everything that happened in one's life. You didn't want to make Him too angry or your "life thereafter" would be the flames of Hell. I grew up with the concept of life being either all black or all white without any gray area in between. So I grew up with a lot of guilt. Not just religious guilt but guilt in all aspects of my life.

At the age of 31 I met a Jewish man and we began dating. I knew that there were Jewish people and like most non-Jews, I knew the textbook story of the Holocaust. But beyond that I knew nothing else about the Jewish race or religion. I assumed all Jewish people were orthodox and that the most religious orthodox were Hasidic Jews. (I did not know that they were called Hasidic Jews at the time. I just knew that they dressed up in old-fashioned black outfits and always seemed to be praying.)

Not knowing anything about the Jewish holidays or traditions, I decided to try to find out a little about them. I bought a few books and read. And read more. And the more I read, the more confused I became, and the more I wanted to find out what everything meant. It was important to me to know everything at once. I wanted all the knowledge that every Jew accumulates over the years. So with my boyfriend's help, we found a Rabbi in Los Angeles who agreed to see me as often as I needed. He encouraged me to ask questions and continue to read. At this point in my life, I really wasn't thinking of my long range goal as conversion to Judaism. I just wanted knowledge. And I found myself becoming engrossed with the materials I read and of having a feeling of "deja-vu." It was all new material but it felt as if I had known it all along and it was just now resurfacing. I felt comfortable studying Judaism and Jewish tradition. I was doing it because I wanted to. No one was forcing my hand.

The more I read the more I realized how much I didn't know. And my boyfriend, although Jewish and having gone to Hebrew school as a child, did not know much about tradition or specifics about Judaism either. I felt I needed more structure in my studies. And I needed to be with people like me who wanted to learn, had questions, and were non-Jews. Somehow we always feel better if we know there is just one other person who has similar thoughts, questions, and background.

I found out from my Rabbi about the Introduction to Judaism course. I signed up, got my books, and started classes. My boyfriend and I at this point were becoming serious about each other, and we decided to take the class as a couple so we could learn together and also support each other. I must say that there were times when I went to class by myself, because my boyfriend had to work, and I never at anytime felt alienated, or alone, or out of place. I truly looked forward to my class each week. It was definitely the highlight of my week. I felt as if I had truly found a way of life that would work for me. Something I wanted to do rather than had to do.

There were many times during my 18 week course when I felt totally overwhelmed. I felt there was just too much information and not enough time or days in the week to learn everything. And I felt if I didn't know everything, then I didn't deserve to be Jewish. I thought I wasn't good enough. Judaism seemed so beautiful and realistic to me. I felt I had to be perfect at everything before I could convert. I decided three weeks into studying Judaism that I wanted to convert. The only way I could make it work for me was to commit myself totally to it. My feelings of unworthiness were discussed with Rabbi Maller and it was just these feelings that he said made me ready to embrace Judaism.

Before I actually physically and legally converted to Judaism, I had already made a commitment to God and to myself. I didn't want to become Jewish in name only. I wanted to live it every day. And the only way to really make it work was to celebrate it with my now finance also. I remember being so excited about finding Judaism. I wanted everyone to know. I wanted to share my new found knowledge with my family and friends. I knew it was right, at least right for me, and I wanted to share it with everyone around me.

I soon found out though that many people didn't share my enthusiasm and in fact thought I was crazy to become Jewish. Many people didn't take me seriously. They assumed I was converting just because I was marrying a Jew. And that was it. They didn't want to hear about how I felt or how my life was being enriched. I guess at this point in my life, I was still looking for acceptance from my peers and family.

I learned very quickly to selectively share my joy. It wasn't necessary to expound to everyone on Judaism. What was important was to live my life morally right for me. My sister, who is a practicing Catholic, couldn't believe I could just forget about Jesus and all my Catholic upbringing. Catholicism is very similar to Judaism in that what you are born into it and- is your label for life. Even if you are not a practicing or religious Catholic, you are still labeled a Catholic.

My immediate reaction to my sister was anger. How could she still accept all those dogmas I felt were wrong? And how could she dampen my joy and feelings in Judaism? Weeks after our initial conversation my sister called and apologized for trying to interfere in my religious beliefs. It was a time when I felt very close to my sister and I realized that this was the first step in my family's acceptance of my faith. And it was her way of trying to understand what paths had led me to where I was.

I made several self-discoveries about myself also. First of all, misunderstanding and ignorance should not be treated with anger but with patience and knowledge. It was my responsibility to educate my family about Jewish tradition and Judaism. That way they could better understand my life also. They would know the importance of Jewish events in Michael's and my life, that I wouldn't have a Christmas tree anymore, and that Friday nights and Saturday were special and why they were. They could see how my life had changed with Judaism and what my goals were. And it was important to me that my brothers and sisters accepted me as a Jew and that they knew how seriously involved with Judaism I was. I havn't spoken to my mother and father for four years due to religious differences. And only now are steps being made to communicate and establish some semblance of a relationship. I have never spoken of my conversion to Judaism with them but they are aware of it. I really don't know what their feelings are. I know to try to explain Judaism to them now, and make them understand why I am where I am, would be a mistake. Too many other wounds need to heal before we can even begin to discuss religion. But I feel good knowing that my parents are still open to lines of communication even though I am now a Jew.

I must mention here that I received much support from my future in-laws. They were very excited for me and were happy to see the change in my life and their son's life as well. Michael, like myself as a previous Catholic, had attended Hebrew school, been Bar Mitzvahed and confirmed and then discontinued his religious practice when he left home. He strongly identified with being Jewish but rarely attended Temple or followed tradition. His knowledge of Jewish history and tradition was forgotten or never learned. Together we both have studied and enlightened our lives. I teach him new things and he helps me. We both support each other and together have decided how we want to live our lives as Jews. When we celebrate together my Judaism takes on new meaning and joy.

On the night of my conversion at Temple Akiba I was, needless to say, very nervous. Not only did I want to perform perfectly, but some of my family and Friends were at the service and I wanted it to be special for them too. They were all non-Jews and I guess I wanted to show them how beautiful Judaism was During the ceremony, the Rabbi had asked me to talk to the congregation for a few minutes after my conversion and to share a few of my feelings with them. I was honored, excited, and scared at the same time. I made all kinds of plans about how I would give my "speech." The Rabbi tried to make me feel comfortable while the service proceeded but I still remained anxious. I fumbled over my Hebrew words when I said the blessing over the candles. I knew everyone in the congregation would wonder why the Rabbi was letting a gentile convert who couldn't even speak a few words of Hebrew without making a mistake. At this point, I was near tears. All my weeks of planning seemed useless. I realize now that my expectations were set too high and that I really was too hard on myself. If we could all be introspective all the time, those nervous moments would be so much easier. As I walked over to the Rabbi to say a few words, I felt that even the words from my heart were jumbled and incoherent. It was such an extremely emotional event for me that I really got caught up in my feelings and lost all capabilities of intellectualizing.

As I walked to my seat and sat down to remain for the rest of the service, I felt so ashamed. I felt I had really blown it. I was embarrassed and so confused. But as I looked at my fiancée and saw his pride and approval I began to put things in the proper perspective. My close friend had tears in his eyes. He thought I had handled myself well also. After the service, many people from the congregation came up to me and congratulated me and welcomed me. And a few came to me and told me how moved they were by the ceremony. But the best was when the Rabbi Maller pulled me aside and told me to not be so hard on myself, and to see this night for what it was. And at that moment the joy of the evening returned and I too celebrated. And I felt very proud. I was a Jew!

I entered the Jewish faith at the age of 32. 1 knew exactly how Judaism would influence my life. It was a choice made on intellect, faith, and emotion. Because of this, I have never doubted my choice or the life I am leading. I no longer need the influence of other people to determine my life-style. I am confident in myself and my decision. I plan on spending the rest of my life learning and experiencing Judaism and the Jewish way of life as much as possible. It is hard for me to believe that my life was every any other way. I have chosen to be traditional in Jewish holidays and make them a part of my life. I believe in community work and have decided to volunteer one day a week at one of the Jewish Old Age Homes. I am currently taking the Jewish Holiday Workshop course. It not only is giving me new information and reinforcing past knowledge, but it gives me exposure to people who feel as I do and are interested in enriching their Jewish lives. It's also a wonderful way to be in an intellectual, casual setting and be able to ask questions. It helps me identify more with my Jewishness - and I have found new friends. People I can talk to about how to bake challah or where to get Judaic art, and know they not only understand but can be very useful as resource references.

I feel confident now in celebrating Shabbat and Havdalah and it has become a meaningful event for both myself and my fiancé. I am looking forward to having Passover at my home and have realistic expectations. I am learning the Hebrew alphabet and language so I feel more comfortable with the prayer book and Hebrew symbols. I am taking a Torah study group to better understand the Holy Scriptures and to be able to continue to always question what is and to find answers.

The important factor in being Jewish is you do what is right for you. The more you add to your life the more enriched it will be. And this enrichment can bring not only happiness and contentment, but can also lead you to becoming a better person and hopefully a better Jew.

To end my story, I would like to leave you with a quote spoken by Golda Meir which I found early in my study of Judaism and which has supported and encouraged me during my studies:

"Nothing in life just happens.
    It isn't enough to believe in something;
        You have to have the stamina
            to meet obstacles
                and overcome them;
                    To Struggle."

Joan M

Dear Rabbi Maller: I read your notice in the "Bulletin Board" of Reform Judaisim and thought I might be able to help you a little bit in your search. I converted in December, 1975 in a Reform Temple in Westport, Conn. Even though it wasn't required, the Rabbi thought it would be best and proper to first have a Mikvah which I did. It was a wonderful experience and even though I was very nervous, I realized he was right in wanting this. My reason for converting was not marriage or even an engagement to a Jew. It kind of amazed me too, because it was just a sure, firm belief in Judaisim. Sometimes you know when something is very right for you and this was one of those times. I've made plenty of wrong choices in my life, but this was not one of them. Something of my background: I was born in Rego Park, NYC of a protestant mother and catholic father. I went to the Lutheran church every Sunday until the age of 9 when my mother died. A catholic Aunt came to live with us and then I had to go to the Catholic church with her. This was extremely alien to me and I dreaded going there with the statues of bleeding hearts, candles, latin, etc. My father remarried within two years and from then on I attended various different protestant churches whenever we moved to a new neighborhood. When I was 19 I joined the Marines and met my husband who was born a catholic, but had no religious upbringing at all. We came back to NY and my two sons were born. Our marriage was in trouble so I thought religion might help. My son was enrolled in catholic school and I made half hearted attempts at going to church. It didn't last and we 
moved up to Conn. and promptly forgot all about the church. You see, I never really did believe in Jesus, immaculate conception and all that. It just didn't seem plausible. Subsequently my husband and I were divorced. One day I bought a pocket book "The Family Moskat" by I. B. Singer and I was hooked. I read everything I could lay my hands on by him and also continued reading other Jewish authors, even Portnoys Complaint. For me, Singer brought home all the good feelings of Jewish life and I just felt I should go to a Temple to see for myself.

I remember the night very well. It was a hot July night, Rabbi was away on vacation, the service was held in the Temple Library and conducted by one of the members. I was feeling kind of nervous because I felt that if one of the people found out that I wasn't Jewish, I would be thrown out. I stayed anyway and when the Shabbat candles were lighted and the prayers begun, I knew that I had come home. Please believe me, I wasn't struck by lightning or heard bells or anything like that. It was just a feeling of coming home after a long journey and stepping inside the front door. That's all. Well I just continued going to services Friday after Friday and finally got the courage to speak to the Rabbi. He gave me books to read and every now and then we would talk. I joined his Hebrew class and learned how to read Hebrew. The December of the following year, I converted and that June became Bat Mitzvahed with 12 other ladies and gentlemen. I feel that this was a great accomplishment for me and am very proud If I do say so myself.

I do want to say that Judaism has never been alien to me When you grow up in a Jewish neighborhood ,in New York, eat Jewish food and have Jewish friends, you are practically 3/4 Jewish anyway. 

People have said to me "How could you do such a thing"? They cant believe anyone would want to be Jewish, and in fact I have lost a few friends? because of this, but I really don't care. I know what I did was right and I have no regrets. Christianity hasn't done so well for mankind since the Crusades, the Spanish Inquisition and Hitler, so I don't feel that I have left anything that good anyway. Ever since I read about the above (when I was younger), I always had the suspicion that Christianity wasn't all that great. I must admit that it is hard being Jewish all by myself and I sometimes get very depressed but I feel that God is walking with me and will help me get through the hard times. I also feel that I am one up on the other members of the Temple because they haven't lived any other religion and I have. I'm happy I chose the road to Judaism, I wouldn't have it any other way.

I hope this letter makes some kind of sense, if not write me and I will try to do better.

Heather H

MY SPIRITUAL JOURNEY

I grew up with no religious background. However, no one really grows up in a vacuum. It may not be recognized as religious, but every home has parents with certain values and attitudes towards life, which they either consciously or unconsciously give to their children. I was basically a religious child. A religious child with non-religious parents.

My mother was Jewish, so I was born from a Jewish womb; however my mother thought of her Jewishness only in terms of ethnic identity and wanted no part of religion -Jewish or otherwise, although she was a. passive Zionist. I always knew I was Jewish. My mother had a fear of Germans because of World War II which she instilled in me and although I was born in 1945 the year the war was over and grew up in the 1950's when the American fear was the Soviet Union I know I must have gotten this fear from my mother. I remember as a five-year-old child pretending I was hiding from the Nazi's in my closet, although I must have been too young to know what had really happened.

My father was born a Scotch-Irish-English Gentile. My father's mother divorced my English grandfather when my father was two years old, rather an unheard of thing back in 1912! When my father was four years old, my grandmother remarried a Jewish man. So my father, a Gentile, grew up under the influence of a Jewish stepfather whom he loved dearly. He went to synagogue with his father on the High Holy Days and to Baptist Church with his mother on Sundays.

My mother came from a home where her Jewish parents had rebelled against the religion and traditions of their parents. So my great-grandparents were Orthodox Jews as were most Jews in Czarist Russia. My grandparents came to America from Russia to get away from the progroms and also from their own religious traditions. My mother was raised in a house where she had no religious upbringing, except the dietary laws. When my grandparents came to this country they wanted to be American in every way, so they bad a Christmas tree and Easter baskets for my mother and their other children. My mother grew up believing and still does to this day, that Christmas and Easter are secular holidays and can be observed without religious intent. This belief was to have a negative effect on me while growing up. I believe this belief was wrong on my mother's part and caused me much conflict while growing up, I knew my Christian friends were observing something they believed in and our family wasn't.

One of the important attitudes of life is how a person views life, himself, and the world around him. My mother taught me that life was good, mankind was in general good, and the world ' was a good place to live in. She always looked for the good in everything and in everyone around her. If my mother had a religion I would say it was enjoying God's creation as she loves nature. She believed in a God somewhere, and in appreciating what he has given us here to enjoy on this good green earth. Because of this influence in my childhood, I never had a sense of guilt for what I was and never knew about the doctrine of Original Sin until later on in my adult life when I came into contact with Christians. My father also shared this view with my mother and they were both agreed in what they believed and taught me.

My parents were married by a Reform Rabbi and although my father was not formally converted to Judaism, he promised to be a good Jewish husband which was all the Rabbi asked of him in order to marry them. When I was five years old, my father through the urging of a friend began to sing in the Choir of a Reform Temple. I remember going to services on Friday night with my mother to hear my father sing. (I was too young to remember anything about the services, but what stands out in my mind was the Oneg Shabbat afterwards. I loved the big and very long table laid out with all kinds of pastries and refreshments.) This episode was very short and then it stopped. The next thing I remember was wanting to go to Hebrew school, but my parents couldn't afford to send me, and more important, my mother (and she still tells me this today) didn't want me to go to Hebrew school as a child because she feared I would come home and want to have Jewish observances in our home. She wanted no part of religion or religious observances.

The next thing I remember was my parents sending me to Unitarian Sunday School instead and my parents went to the Unitarian Church for a short while. I remember when I was twelve years old I asked my parents to please buy me a Bible and they were very surprised and bought me one. I studied it and was quite interested in it.

Every Christmas I was reminded about the person of Christ because my parents always put up a Christmas tree every year and also because of the general Christian environment around us. I began to question my parents lack of belief in religion, especially in Christianity and reasoned in my twelve year old mind that maybe Christianity could be right since it was the majority religion and a lot of people believed in it. My friends in high school were Christian and I guess I envied them their beliefs as I felt our celebration of Christmas was not only unreligious but a mockery. After high school I went through a personal crisis and arrived at a point in my life where I desperately needed the security and stability of having and believing in a religion. Since I knew nothing of Judaism and Judaism itself doesn't reach out to the public who are in religious need, I grabbed on to the religion that is offered to one searching in our society. I underwent a "religious experience" where I became convinced that Jesus Christ must be the Son of God and my Savior and I began to read the New Testament. I then began looking for a Christian Church home. I visited every Christian Church and denomination I knew of at that time. I finally settled on the Presbyterian Church and two years later officially became a Christian when I was baptized.

After a few years, I became dissatisfied with this church as I found that most of the sermons were based on current Protestant theology and theologians rather than on the Bible. I began looking for a more Bible-based church. I attended some Campus Crusade for Christ meetings conducted by evangelist Hal Lindsay and went to a few Jewish-Christian evangelical meetings (somewhat on the order of Jews for Jesus) but I wasn't satisfied there either. There was something about Baptist Churches and evangelical-type services that irked me and went against my grain.

So, unhappy with the Presbyterian Church for not being more Bible based in it's outlook and turned off with Baptist and other evangelical churches I simply stopped going to church; although I remained a Christian in my beliefs. After a void of about two years I came into cont act with the Worldwide Church of God led by its aged Patriarch Herbert W. Armstrong. A word about this church which was to be part of my life for seven years.

The Worldwide Church of God is a most unique Christian Church. It is a fundamental Christian Church and shares fundamental beliefs about the divinity of Christ, etc., with other fundamental Christian Churches; yet it follows many of the tenets of Judaism such as keeping the Seventh-day Sabbath, the Old Testament Holy Days, and Biblical food laws. This church believes in the validity of the Torah and in many practices of the religion of Israel. Being a Bible-based church, believing in Jesus Christ as personal savior, yet not dwelling on his death and crucifixion but on his second coming as a living, powerful, world Messiah along with many practices of a Jewish nature was a perfect church for a person of my background and beliefs. Here was a Christian Church keeping not only the religion about Christ but the religion of Jesus the Jew in keeping and respecting God's laws in the Torah which other Christian denominations felt were done away with. After a year of study and counseling I was baptized in 1970 into the Worldwide Church of God. The particular church I attended was very close and friendly. Then in 1974 a crisis developed where some thirty-six ministers and two thousand members left the sixty thousand member Church over the issue of God's law. They claimed that the Apostle Paul in the New Testament did away with the Covenant of Israel and they therefore chose not to observe the laws of the Torah and left the Worldwide Church of God to form their own Associated Churches of God.

This crisis launched me into an intensive study of the Epistles of Paul. After about a year and one half I came to the conclusion that the Apostle Paul did do away with the (Old) Covenant and the laws of the Torah. But what happened to me was -that I didn't reject the Torah, I rejected the Apostle Paul's teachings! This caused me to question the rest of the New Testament. After all, if part of the New Testament was wrong, what about the validity of the rest of it! The next thing that bothered me was Passover. In fact, I would say that it was my searching into the meaning of the Passover, both Old and New Testament, that led to the profound spiritual crisis in my life that when I finally came through it, I was to find myself out of the Church of God intellectually and spiritually. (It started bothering me that the Church of God did not keep the Passover Seder relating the story of Passover as instructed in the book of Exodus.)

In the fall of 1975 1 began studying into the New Testament Passover, more commonly known by other Christians as Holy Communion. I became convinced because of my studies into the Biblical books of Deuteronomy (chapter 30) and Ezekiel (chapter 18) as well as many other scriptures that the Jewish view of sin and redemption was the truth and that Paul's view in the New Testament was a distorted and perverted view of God and his justice and mercy. After I discovered these and other contradictions between the Old and New Testaments, I read two books which helped me to understand why the contradictions were there. These two books were: Judaism and Christianity -The Differences by Dr. Trude Weiss-Rosmarin and Hellenism by Norman Bentwich. Dr. Prude Weiss-Rosmarin's book reaffirmed the basic biblical differences between Judaism and Christianity and Mr. Bentwich's book gave me a great deal of understanding of the Hellenistic influence on Christianity and the New Testament.

I came to see that Christianity was a marriage of the Jewish religion with Greek pagan philosophy and the Mediterranean "mystery" religions. The pagan religions before Christ's time were filled with dying and resurrected "Saviorgods" who were both human and divine. I came to see that the Passover or Communion Service (bread and wine symbolizing Christ's body and blood) was pagan. Eating your God symbolically is pagan to the core! Now I began to see the pagan roots of Christianity and I felt I could no longer participate in taking this communion service as I felt I would be breaking the first of the Ten Commandments, "Thou shalt have no other God before me" and other scripture in the Pentatuech as Christians certainly worship Christ as God.

Lastly, and finally came the question of Monotheism. Is Christianity a monotheistic religion? This is a difficult question for Jews and Christians. Because we live in an inter-religious ecumenical atmosphere here in America a Jew doesn't want to offend his Christian neighbor by questioning whether or not his religion is monotheistic. Also, a Christian will defend and affirm with his life that he believes in One God. Because Christians portray themselves as Monotheists, Jews either believe they are, or they are afraid of offending them by saying anything. Therefore, the differences between the basic concept of the being of God as represented in Judaism, versus Christianity is not spoken of in public as a religious issue.

I, however, came face to face with this momentous question. I found I could no longer believe in the divinity of Christ and still believe that God was one being. This is what brought me into Judaism - pure monotheism, the belief in One God Being, not the diluted and questionable monotheism that exists in Christianity. This and the belief that Judaism is a "revealed" religion. That the Torah was given by God to Israel and through Israel was and is to be given to all mankind.

So - here my spiritual journey ends - or rather begins, as I have much to learn and grow in - knowledge, character and faith as God guides me.

B. McC

WHY I CONVERTED TO JUDAISM

I was not looking for a new course in sex or even a luxury trip to Europe. I didn't care about money or gifts. In fact, nothing was difficult to resist.

Then at a moment in my life, I came to an impasse. I stopped to wonder what I was looking for and meditated on what was missing. Why did I thirst for "something" I did not know. All my life had been almost void of adversity, persecution and ovens. Living in the midst of serenity, I had not thought about religion or about a God who had given me life. Then I began to study Catholisism, Budhaism, Protestantism, Moslem, Zen, Jehovah Witnesses, Mormon and all other "isms" and such. After years of interviewing and reading, I discovered I didn't know very much.

Unexpectedly in my search, I met a group of extraordinary people. They prayed devotedly in Temple and still found time for a lilting song, a Psalm of praise, a merry dance, a glass of wine. Their sacred holidays were filled with wishes for good health, good cheer and good fellowship. There was an indescribable glow around them along with the Matzah and chicken livers.

For the first time, I learned there could be joy in keeping the faith with a living God.

It was then I began to hear an inner voice. As I listened and observed my new found friends, I wanted to become a part of those people who can forge ahead in spite of evil powers; I wanted to be filled with the same fond hope; to enjoy the Holy Days, the past and present days of awe.

From the ancient Talmud and the Torah, my thirst was quenched as I realized through my studies that from birth to death the Jewish life is carefully balanced on tradition.

I sought out Rabbi Joseph Narot of Miami's Temple Israel. To him I explained my innermost thoughts. I wanted no idols. I wanted the One God of the Jews and none other. I wanted the Living God to worship so that I might fulfil my life.

I must stand up and be counted with all the rest at the end but now I am no longer afraid. Converting to the Jewish faith has created a new dimension for me. It has given me the courage of my convictions and there is no longer "something" missing. I have experienced the joy of being Jewish and I know that I belong.

There are others coming up behind me and I want to be among those who will greet them.

Shalom.

Jack and Libby T

Dear Rabbi Maller:

I have spent quite some time digesting your letter in trying to figure just how to respond to your requests because there are so many emotions to be able to verbalize.

Let us categorize your questions and respond to each separately.

1. What religious background do we come from?

My wife, Libby, came from a good, strong Scotch Presbyterian background and a family of eleven children. One brother and one brother-in-law serve as Presbyterian Ministers. My father was a Methodist Minister. However, I was raised in the Indiana Sol- Children's Home which had a definite Christian flavor. I don't suppose either of us consciously knew any Jews as children.

2. How and why did we become Jewish?

To tell you the truth, for so many years I had been involved with politics, service clubs, etc. that one night after losing a general election, by a very thin margin, I promised my wife that we would spend the next two or three years doing things together -- just she and I and the two daughters that we had just adopted, Jennifer (Yaffa) and Rebecca (Rivka). One of the things we discovered that we did not have was a family religion, so we began to study different religions--Catholicism, Islam and the Protestant faiths.

We then read of a class at the local Jewish Community Center the subject being "Basic Judaism." We signed up for this Class. The first night we attended, we found that we didn't really belong. It was a class for people who wanted to convert. Without exception, the husband or wife-to-be was Jewish. The class was held so that the marriage could be performed in the Temple. (This is not a judgment but just a fact as it was.) You can well imagine both Libby and I were confused having no Jewish background or intention of even converting. But, our fellow classmates were warm and friendly. After advising the Rabbi that we only wanted to learn and had no intention of converting, we decided to continue attending class. (By the way, at this point, our ages may be of interest. My age was 38 and my wife's age was 28.) Our instructors were Rabbis from five Synagogues. Two from the Orthodox, the Conservative, Sephardic and Reform Synagogue. They taught the class on a rotating basis. As you can well imagine, the Orthodox and Sephardic Rabbis were good teachers but really were not much interested in converts. The Conservative Rabbi was very interested and strangely enough the Reform Rabbi didn't show any particular interest but a genuine warmness that we found ourselves drawn to. To make a long story short, for the next three years we studied, and we studied and we studied. At the end of perhaps the second year of study, I found myself asking over and over of myself, "I didn't realize so many people believe what I believe." It was as if I had been lost and had finally found my people and my family and I began to understand why Jews had survived for thousands of years.

I began to realize (and I know it sounds silly) that I was Jewish. Not formally, but spiritually and religiously. One night on the way home after class, my wife said to me [we had not discussed converting because, you see, I had made my decision and did not want to influence her decision in any way], "I would like to convert to Judaism. Would that in anyway offend you?" I stopped the car, said "No, it would not," kissed her, turned the car around and went to see one of the Reform Rabbis.

We were warm and happy with our decision. We saw the Rabbi. He was polite but firm when he said we should study some more. We were angry but we continued to study. We returned some months later to the same Rabbi whereupon he explained the many difficulties and life style changes that would confront us if we were to become Jews and that we should study some more. To say that we were upset would be a monumental understatement. After a few more months of study, I called the same Rabbi for an appointment for Libby and myself. I personally was very angry with the Rabbi and wasn't going to take any more of being put off or further delay. We entered his office and I said to him, "We are ready to convert. We have studied enough at this point to convert. I do not want to become a Rabbi, only a Jew." I was spoiling for a verbal fight with whatever response came forth from the Rabbi, except the response that came forth when he said, "I agree. Would you like to set a date now for your conversion?" We did, he did and we are.

As I will describe in the remainder of this letter, he and his wife and family were to become great and intimate personal friends of our family.

It is very interesting to me, Rabbi, the way you ask what we thought and felt before and after our conversion because in many ways they are just poles apart. After the conversion, my wife and I decided that we wanted to get to know almost everyone in the congregation. We devised a plan and it was simply that after every Friday night service, as we would enter the social hall for the Oneg, Libby would enter by the north door and I would enter by the south door. Each would work toward the middle by stopping each person we encountered with "Shalom-Shabbat. My name is Jack or Libby. I haven't met you. What is your name?" As a direct result of this one single mode, we became one of the best known couples in our congregation.

Individuals reacted in different ways. Some Christians said, "How could you?" Others said, "That's interesting. I don't know anything about Judaism. Could you explain some of the things you have learned?" While yet others just did not have any questions and were not particularly concerned. However, most Christians honestly think we were just going to the "Jewish Church." Fellow Jews reacted with complete surprise. Their question almost everytime was, "Why would you want to be Jewish?" It was a genuine, sincere question. We assumed that most Jews understood about their Judaism and we found just the opposite. We spent about half of our time with our fellow Jews as students and the other half as teachers. Our acceptance with Reform and Conservative Judaism was in the majority overwhelming and immediately we were drawn into the family with all the love and affection that Jews, as a family, have bestowed upon one another for centuries.

Acceptance? By our Orthodox Brethren was to be, at best, a long time in the coming. Then, only by individuals. Years later, as a member of a National Jewish organization, I asked a dear friend if he, as an Orthodox Jew, could accept my Judaism. His answer carried 5,000 years of Judaism when his reply was, "How could I ignore you?" Which, of course, is neither a yes or no.

The next question you might ask is "How have the two of you adjusted?" The answer--completely and absolutely 100%. We live in a Jewish neighborhood, the children go to a Jewish school and my son belongs to a Jewish Fraternity. Every organization with any Jewish connection in the world sends me requests for donations. We donate to Jewish Welfare Federation, pay reasonably high dues to the Synagogue and we are affiliated with, I honestly believe, every Jewish organization in America. So much for adjustment. Neither of us can remember not being Jewish.

JEWISH INVOLVEMENTS:

Libby - N.C.J.W. Board Member; Sisterhood member; Member of Membership Committee; Oneg Brownie Baker Supreme; Devoted mother, wife and career person.

Son, Jack - Indiana University Graduate, 1981; Served as an Officer AEPi Fraternity.

Myself - Brotherhood Board Member; Past Brotherhood President; Past Council President of Ohio-Michigan-W. Virginia- Indiana-Kentucky-Pennsylvania-New York-Toronto, Canada; Past National Board Member of The National Federation of Temple Brotherhoods; Board Member of Hebrew Academy-Day School-Orthodox; Board Member Jewish Family and Children's Services; Past Chairman of N.C.J.W. Russian Resettlement Program; Currently serving as the Indianapolis Jewish Communities Overall Russian and South Asian Resettlement Programs; Past Ways and Means Chairman of Indianapolis Hebrew Congregation; Past Membership Chairman of I.H.C.; Presently serving as Board Member of Indianapolis Hebrew Congregation; OfficerSecretary-Treasurer of Indianapolis Hebrew Congregation; Finance Chairman of Temple; Member of Dues Committee for Congregation; Active with HAIS and Board Member of the Ohio-Kentucky-Indiana Anti-Defamation League as well as ADL Fact Finding Chairman and Investigator for most of Indiana.

I feel that it is fair to say that we, as a family, are actively and fully participating in the Jewish Community.

Now, don't get the wrong idea, we are not attempting to be "Super Jews" or trying to prove a point. We are the kind of people who are involved in our community because we enjoy the activity.

Rabbi, in your letter, you state the need for a guide book to prepare converts to and for Judaism and with that in mind, we would like to offer this one bit of advice:

Take an active role. Don't just sit back because you feel you are different. You are needed and you are only different if you do sit back. Make your commitment. Find where you are needed, fill the need, don't apologize for not understanding all the Hebrew or the Yiddish (you will probably be shocked to find most "born" Jews don't know either).

Rabbi, sorry this has taken so long to answer, but I don't think you believe how difficult it is to answer all the questions you ask on one 8-1/2 x 11 piece of paper. I received your letter in May, started to write this letter on June 10, and today, July 27, 1981, 1 have just completed. Be sure, please, to send me a copy of this manual when completed.

Thank you so much for asking the questions that you did because as a result, we had the delicious experience of remembering them one by one.

Shalom